l remember taking a step and looking down,
just as l'm thinking, ''There's that ditch Abbie was talking about.''
Bam! l'm in the fucking ditch, you know.
What happened?
What, with Zoe, the cat?
Nothing.
lf l fell in that fuckin' thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there.
Zoe just lands on her feet.
But then later l started feeling a little bad about myself--
Zoe falls in the ditch and it's nothing. We're laughing about it.
lf l fell in that fucking thing, l probably would have been paralyzed.
Oh, honey, you can't think like that.
We all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoe's.
Well, physically speaking, Zoe is amazing.
l mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness?
There's few human beings that can fuck with Zoe on that front.
Kim, l like you too.
Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoe's prowess,
you're missing the most important part of that story.
You didn't fall in the ditch. Zoe did.
Zoe even knew there was a ditch there because you told her,
and she still fell in.
So Lee's right. We all have our talents.
Hey, l resemble that remark.
( laughing )
So Kim, you still pack a Roscoe?
Check it out, bitch.
- Ooh, nice one, mate. - l know this.
LEE: What's a Roscoe?
Roscoe's a pistol.
- You carry a gun? - Uh-huh.
You have a license to carry?
Yeah, when l became a Secret Service agent, they gave me a license.
Oh, l didn't know you were...
Okay, l didn't say it, all right? Stop looking at me. God.
Did you know Kim carried a gun?
Yes. Now, do l approve? No.
Do l know? Yes.
Look, l don't know what futuristic utopia you live in,
but the world l live in, a bitch need a gun.
You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns
tend to get shot more than people who don't.
And you can't get around the fact that if l go down to the laundry room
at midnight enough times, l might get my ass raped.
Don't do your laundry at midnight.
Fuck that! l wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck l want to.
There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.
Uh, motherfucker trying to rape me, l don't want to give him a skin rash.
l wanna shut that nigga down!
How about a knife, at least?
Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives?
They get shot!
lf l ever become a famous actress, l won't carry a gun.
l'll hire me a do-dirt nigga and he'll carry the gun, and when shit goes down,
l'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West.
So Zoe, you thought about what you want to do first?
lt just so happens l know exactly what l want to do.
Oh, really? And what would that be?
To me, there's no point in being in America unless you can drive a Detroit muscle car.
l wanna drive a Dodge Challenger-- fuck me swinging, balls out.
( laughing )
ABBlE: Well, l guess we could talk to Transpo,
but does it have to be a Dodge Challenger?
Not just that. lt has to be a 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine.
( cackles )
How in the fuck do you expect to do that?
No worries, mate.
l've got it all worked out.
When l knew l was coming here, l went online and found out
that the local paper here in Tennessee is the Lebaror News Sertirel
- So back home-- - l'm sorry, where's home? Australia?
( grunts )
What do you mean by that, mate?
Zoe's from New Zealand, and you never--
l repeat, never-- call a Kiwi an Aussie.
KlM: That is, unless you want your ass kicked.
l'm so sorry. l will nev--
( others snorting )
Oh, it's okay.
We're just taking the piss out of you, mate.
Auckland, to answer your question.
Anyway, l subscribed to the local paper a month ago.
Why the fuck you want a local redneck newspaper in New Zealand?
Pipe down and l'll tell you.
l've been getting the paper and checking the classifieds,
looking at cars for sale,
so as of yesterday, for sale in this town,
some dude is selling a stock 1970 Dodge Challenger
with a 440 engine and a white paint job.
KlM: And you wanna buy it?
Kim, l may be stupid, but l'm not bloody stupid.
l wanna say l wanna buy it so he'll let me test-drive it.
A 1970 Dodge Challenger with a white paint job?
Oh, uh, Kowalski!
Kowalski from Varishirg Poirt Mate, it's a fucking classic!
lf l can get this guy
to let me drive it without him, l will blow the doors off that bitch.
ABBlE: What's Varishirg Poirt?
What's Varishirg Poirt?
Abs, l'm supposed to be the illiterate one.
lt's just one of the best American movies ever made.
Actually, Zoe, most girls wouldn't know Varishirg Poirt
Excuse me. Most girls? What the fuck are you two?
Yeah, well, we're gearheads. Of course we watched it.
Y'all grew up watching that Pretty ir Pirk shit.
Oh, l liked Pretty ir Pirk
What, so you didn't watch John Hughes movies?
Of course l did. l'm a girl. But l also watched car shit, too...
Varishirg Poirt. Dirty Mary Crazy Larry.
- Gore ir 60 Secords-- - Oh--
The real one, not that Angelina Jolie bullshit.
We have an outdoor theater in Auckland that plays Varishirg Poirt.
Big Wedresday. all the classics.
( honks )
( honking )
What do you horny gals want?
( door opens, slams )
Yeah, you got a 1970 Dodge Challenger for sale?
Right up here, ladies.
This shit is off the fuckin' hook!
Fuckin' legendary, mate.
Sweet ass. Well, if you'll excuse me, l'd like to have a word with my associate.
You ladies take your time.
( laughs creepily )
( moans )
What are you waiting for? Ask him to let you drive it by yourself.
l intend to, but first l need to ask you something.
What?
lf he lets us take it out on our own, l wanna play Ship's Mast.
- Oh, hell, no! - Keep it down!
Ain't no way l'm doing Ship's Mast.
- For Chrissakes-- - Don't blaspheme.
Sorry.
Now, what did you say after the last time?
- Look, l know what l said. - What did you say?
- l know l said we shouldn't-- - No.
You didn't say we shouldn't. You said we ain't ever gonna do that again.
- But-- - But, my ass!
You said not only are we never gonna play Ship's Mast again,
but you also said if you ever do what you trying to do now,
to not only refuse, but that l had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary.
Now, did you or did you not say that?
No, no, no. Answer the question, motherfucker.
- Did you or did you not say that? - Yes, l said that.
- However-- - Whatever with your ''however.''
Look, l know l said it, and l know l meant it--
Damn skippy you meant it!
But when l said it, l didn't mean in America!
- Oh, nigga, please. - For real. Really.
l meant we should never play Ship's Mast again in New Zealand or Australia.
You are such a liar!
l know what l said, but when l said it l didn't know l'd ever come to America,
and if l had of known l was gonna come to America,
had the opportunity to play Ship's Mast on the Varishirg Poirt Challenger...
l would have added a ''however.''
Right?
Okay, oddly enough, l actually understood that.
However, just because you talked yourself into some stupid shit
doesn't mean l have lost my goddamn mind.
You need two people to play Ship's Mast, and l ain't playing.
l'll be your best friend.
l don't need me no best friend lives on the other side of Planet Earth.
l'll crack your back.
You'll crack it anyway.
Well, of course l'll crack it anyway.
But now, while l'm here, l'll be your back-cracking slave.
Whenever you want it, you've got it. You don't even have to ask.
You just order me to do it, just be like, ''Bitch, get over here and get busy.''
You crack my back, give me foot massages, and after a shower, you moisturize my butt.
Deal.
We're gonna see if this guy'll let us take the car out without him.
lf he does, you wait here with Lee and we'll be back in a moment.
What?
- l said we're gonna see if this guy'll let-- - l heard what you said.
l just can't believe what you said.
You two got some fuckin' balls.
What?
Don't play dumbass with me.
l've been up all night, l'm still a little drunk, and l have a hangover.
l should be in my hotel room, asleep, not fuckin' around on Tobacco Road,
but because Zoe wanted to drive some Varishirg Poirt car, l'm here.
Now you two got the balls to ask me-- no, scratch that-- tell me
l gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play?
Bullshit on that.
- lt ain't like that. - What's it like, Kim?
You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.
l really think one human being will be collateral enough.
You're not gonna want to do what we're doing.
What, drive a car?
We're doing more than that.
What, drive it fast?
We're doing more than that.
Actually, we're paying you a compliment, 'cause we gonna do some stupid shit.
( clears throat )
But that's okay. We're stunt people. We ain't got good sense.
But you got good sense, and anybody with good sense
- ain't gonna want to do what we're doing. - How do you know?
'Cause you're a mum.
Yeah.
You know, we're supposed to be this big posse,
but that's the excuse you guys use whenever you want to exclude me,
so what is it you two daredevils are doing
that l'm just so uncool l couldn't possibly understand?
You know, we're kind of conning this guy,
so maybe it's best if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us.
Besides...
he's probably not gonna let us do it, anyway.
Okay, how about this?
l'll talk him into it, but l go along.
- How you gonna do that? - That's my problem.
But don't worry.
( snorts ) He'll say yes.
What are you gonna do, blow him?
No.
l'm gonna insinuate that Lee's gonna blow him.
( laughing )
That's a good one.
Not really.
But let me handle it. We got a deal?
Okay, Mama, listen up.
You wanna hang with the cool kids? You got to be cool.
We take you along, you don't say shit. You don't even say crap.
You just sit in the back, and l don't want to hear a peep, you understand?
- Got it. - l'm serious, now.
You start nagging us, we pulling over, kicking you out, and picking you up later.
Agreed.
Okay. Go work your magic.
- Hello, sir. - Hello.
- Hello, what's your name? - Jasper.
Hello, Jasper, l'm Abernathy.
- Aber what? - Abernathy.
- What's your first name? - That is my first name.
- What kind of first name is that? - Just call me Abbie.
Okay, Abbie.
Jasper, we were wondering if my friends and l could take the car out
for a little test drive out on our own, just to see if we're comfortable.
Why would l do something stupid like that?
To better sell your automobile.
How do l know y'all ain't just gonna steal it?
Four reasons, actually.
One, we're not thieves, two, that would be rude,
three, we're staying at the Days lnn in town--
you can call, check with management. We're registered for the next month.
Actually, Zoe's not, but Kim and l are, so we're totally track-downable.
Who's Kim? The colored girl?
Yes. Kim would be the girl of color.
And reason number four-- and the most important:
while we're taking the car out for a little spin,
that'll give you a better opportunity to get acquainted with our other friend...
Lee.
( chuckles )
Why does she look kind of familiar?
That would be because she's a famous actress.
Hmm.
Why's she dressed like that?
Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town,
and it's a cheerleader movie, and she's one of the cheerleaders.
What's a cheerleader movie?
A movie about cheerleaders.
ls it a porno movie?
Yes, it is, but don't mention it. She's shy.
( honks )
ABBlE: Lee, this is Jasper. Jasper, Lee.
Now, you two kids stay out of trouble.
KlM: Hey, good-looking. Be back to pick you up later.
ZOE: Ta-ta!
( revving )
( Jasper chuckles slowly )
Gulp.
You thinking what l'm thinking?
l think l'm thinking it.
What are you and you thinking?
l'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up.
- Where y'all going? - You stay put.
l gotta take a--
So, you ready to do this?
You sure?
Well, l always don't want to do it right before l'm gonna do it.
l know what you mean, 'cause l don't wanna do it.
Kim!
- l'm just saying. - lf you're gonna take the piss out of it...
l'm just saying.
You wanna start out on top?
Practically doesn't count if you start on the top.
( both laughing )
( unzips bag )
Here are your gloves.
No, no, no, no. l'm wearing a jacket.
This is my jacket.
Um, ain't you supposed to be my slave or some shit?
- Come on. - l'm the one who's on the bonnet.
Bonnet, my ass. You on the hood.
( pop )
Y'all, l think l hear a car coming.
Give me your belt.
This is my cute shit. Fuck that. Get Abernathy's belt.
Fine, we'll use Abbie's belt.
- Give me your belt. - No. Prada.
Come on, give her the belt.
- Magic word. - Please give her the belt?
Just 'cause you asked nicely.
lt's nice to be nice, Kim!
Whatever.
You know what? Don't think about asking me to do your hair.
- Your ass gonna do it. - You'll ask ''pretty please,'' bitch,
because that's what you do when no one else is looking. You ain't that hard.
- l ain't getting-- - Abernathy.
Don't get on my nerves right now.
- l got shit on my mind. - ZOE: Ooh!
ABBlE: You know, l ain't six.
( tires squeal )
lt's cold. Can we roll up one of these windows?
KlM and ZOE: No.
Okay, Abernathy. Check this out.
What the fuck are you guys doing?
( banging )
ABBlE: What does that mean?
Whoa!
Faster, you black bitch! Faster!
That fast enough for your bony ass?
Whoo-hoo!
Whoa ho ho ho!
Oh!
Abernathy, get your ass up here.
Whoa! Whoo-hoo!
Alrighty.
ABBlE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
( laughing )
ZOE: Go, go! Go!
Check it out, bitch. You want it fucking faster?
( screaming )
Whoo-hoo!
Yah hoo hoo!
&&
Yah hoo hoo!
( chuckling )
( laughing )
- Oh, my God. - What the fuck? Shit.
( crashing, screaming )
Damn it!
Now.
Did you do something to him? Say something?
Nothing! Shit.
Here he comes, Zoe. He's coming!
Aah!
( skidding )
Shit, oh shit!
No!
Hold on, Zoe!
Oh, my God. Zoe!
- Oh! Hold on! - l can't!
Fuck you, motherfucker!
( screaming )
- Zoe! Zoe! - ( crashes )
- l'm sorry l called you a black bitch! - l forgive you. Hold the fuck on!
Whoa, whoa, get away!
( crash )
Oh, shit. l can't see. l can't see!
Zoe, move your leg!
ABBlE: Oh! Come on, come on!
ZOE: Redneck lunatic bastard! Get away from me!
KlM: ...fucking legs!
Oh, my God.
( skin skids on hood )
Shit, l'm scared, Kim. l'm really scared.
l know, baby, just hold on.
Watch your feet!
( crash )
You wanna get hot?
- Fucking son of a bitch! - You wanna get hot?
( crash )
Then suck on this for a while, bitch!
ABBlE: Zoe! Goddamn it!
( Zoe wails )
Oh, my God. Get away from us, you cocksucker!
Leave us alone!
- ZOE: Fuck you, motherfucker! - KlM: Fuck you!
ABBlE: Zoe! Zoe! Oh, Zoe!
( Zoe sobs )
Hold on!
( metal rasping )
Zoe! Zoe!
( indistinct )
Look out!
( horn honks )
( screeching )
Get ready to fly, bitch.
( skin skids on hood )
- Zoe! - Zoe, hold on!
He's right on your fucking ass!
( laughing )
Hey! Whoo-hoo!
Hey, ladies, that was fun.
Well, adios
- ( fires ) - Ow! Fuck!
Shit! Fuck!
( fires again )
Run away with your ass!
( empty chamber clicks )
You better run, motherfucker!
That bitch!
( sobs )
l'm okay!
Oh, shit! Goddamn it!
Oh, you fuckin' bitch!
Of course you are. Of course you are. What was l thinking?
( spitting out debris )
What was l thinking? Zoe, the fucking cat!
Whew. That was a close one.
So, where's the maniac?
l shot him and his punk ass sped off.
You wanna go get him?
Oh, hell yeah!
Honey...
l think you might want to get out.
Fuck that shit.
Let's kill this bastard.
Okay, get your ass in the back. Let's go.
Where the fuck you going?
l'll be back!
This'll smart. Sweet. Let's go.
Oh, fuck yeah, bitch. Come on. Bring that shit.
Giddy-up, then!
ZOE: Yeah!
( whimpers )
( yells )
( grunting in pain )
God!
( yells )
( crying ) Come on! Come on.
( coughs )
( crying ) Why? Oh, no!
( screams )
Ah! Do it.
Do it.
( screaming )
Oh, no!
No, no, no!
No, God!
All right, get it together, man.
What did you-- what am l-- what are you gonna do?
( engine roaring )
KlM: Take him down!
( yelling )
Now where do you think you're going? Fuckin' fuck you!
Where do you think you're fucking going?
What the fuck do you think--
Come here!
Go!
Whoo-hoo!
What's wrong with your ass, motherfucking cocksucker?
Oh, you're gonna wiggle your ass at me, gonna wiggle it at me?
Oh, don't like it up the ass, do you, you redneck lunatic bastard?
Aah!
Oh, yeah, gonna bust a nut up in this bitch right now!
Oh, l'm the horniest motherfucker on the road!
Boo-yah, bitch!
Did you just hit a boat?
( cow moos )
Yeah, come on, Kim, get him!
Get that motherfucker!
Forget about the cows, motherfucker! Move, motherfucker, move!
( cows sound alarmed )
Motherfucker!
l'm 'bout to bust a nut up in this bitch...
( creaking )
- ( yelling ) - ZOE: Watch it, watch it.
& Tapping that ass tapping that ass &
& Tapping that tapping that tapping-- &
- Aah! - ( frame creaking loudly )
Bastard.
Oh, you know l can't let you go...
without tapping that ass.
Oh, fuck me!
- One-- - Kim?
- ...more... - ( clears throat ) Kim?
...time!
Boo-yah!
That's what l'm talking-- that's what l'm talking about, bitch!
( whimpers )
( honking )
( honks )
Oh, come on!
Yah!
Yah ha ha, come on!
Thought you lost us, motherfucker. We back, motherfucker. We back.
Who's laughing now, bitch!
( moaning )
Shit.
Come on!
Here's Cha Cha!
You've been such a lunatic bastard!
l'm sorry!
What?
l didn't mean anything. l was just playing around.
Oh, he was just playing around!
- Just playing! - Well, l ain't playing with you!
Whoa!
( cheering )
Oh, look out, look out, look out.
ZOE: ( laughing ) What's your sign?
Oh, shit!
- ( debris rumbles underneath ) - Oh, shit.
Don't run, don't run, motherfucker, don't run.
This baby's on speed!
Whoa!
- Aah! - Yeah, yeah!
Yeah!
Jesus fucking Christ, it's about time.
( sighs in relief )
ABBlE: Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Please don't dead-end.
Please don't dead end.
Please don't dead-end.
TOGETHER: Please don't dead-end.
Please don't dead-end.
Oh, there the motherfucker is.
ABBlE: Go, go, go!
Get him, get him, get him!
Unh!
( laughing hysterically )
( Stuntman Mike yells like a banshee )
Oh, help me!
( continues screaming )
Be careful. My right arm's broken.
This one?
ZOE: Oh, you want some shit?
Motherfucker, kiss my fucking ass.
( Kim yells, laughs )
Uhn!
( groans )
Yah!
( Stuntman Mike grunting )
Mother...fucker!
Motherfucker!
Asshole!
( cheering )
& Harg up the chick habit &
& Harg it up. Daddy. oryou'll be alore ir a quick &
& Harg up the chick habit &
& Harg it up. Daddy. oryou'll rever get arother fix &
& h'm tellirg you it's rot a trick. pay attertior. dor't be thick &
& Oryou're liable to get licked &
& You're gorra see the reasor why wher they're spittirg ir your eye &
& They'll be spittirg ir your eye &
& Harg up the chick habit &
& Harg it up. Daddy. a girl's rot a toric or a pill &
& Harg up the chick habit &
& Harg it up. Daddy you're just jumpirg for a spill &
& Oh. how your bubble's gorra burst &
& Wher you meet arother rurse she'll be drivirg ir a hearse &
& You're gorra reed a heap of glue wher they all catch up with you &
& Ard they cut you up ir two &
& Now your ears are rirgirg the birds will stop their sirgirg &
& Everythirg is turrirg gray &
& No cardy ir your till. ro cutie left to thrill &
& You're alore or a Tuesday &
& Harg up the chick habit &
& Harg it up. Daddy. oryou'll be alore ir a quick &
& Harg up the chick habit &
& Harg it up. Daddy. oryou'll rever get arother fix &
& h'm tellirg you it's rot a trick. pay attertior. dor't be thick &
& Oryou're liable to get licked &
& You're gorra see the reasor why wher they're spittirg ir your eye &
& They'll be spittirg ir your eye &
& You're gorra see the reasor why wher they're spittirg ir your eye &
& They'll be spittirg ir your eye &
( singing ''Chick Habit'' in French )